Violence in partnerships takes place in secret. Without eyewitnesses, medical certificates or confessions, it is difficult to prove. That's why the stories that women are telling are almost never completely verifiable. And sometimes they are as unimaginable as those of Carla *: Their ex-boyfriend, according to their report, not only wanted to erase their relationship, but also kill their son.
Carla is in her mid 30s, a fun-loving, expressive woman. Christian from Iraq, "half Orthodox, half Catholic", as she says herself. In the 1990s, she left home because her mother feared for Carla's safety after her brother's death.
Relatives lived in northern Europe - and then there was Thomas, a young foreigner whom she had fallen in love with in Iraq. She eagerly learned his mother tongue and headed north through Turkey, Greece and Italy. "What do you do not do for love," she says today. But the surprise visit to her boyfriend failed: "His wife opened the door and it turned out that she was ill and that he did not want to leave her."
Carla turned away, she did not want to destroy a marriage. On the way back to Iraq, she was picked up in Germany without a passport and filed for asylum. The recognition went smoothly.
"I know your weakness"
At a Syrian New Year party, she met Basam, a Christian who also fled Iraq. "He was charming, fascinating, understanding - like a dream man," recalls Carla. Actually, she did not like the men from her homeland. "But he behaved like a European, he was like a star."
It was followed by hours of telephone calls, the first visit. Both were new in Germany, they held each other for a while. Soon, Basam moved to Carla, who earned a living at Burger King. "After a while he got bored, he wanted to move relatives to another city." So they lived separately for a while. For the families it was clear: The two will marry, until then they are chaste. Then Carla became pregnant.
The relationship was already bad. Carla knew that her friend was cheating on her, "he made little effort to disguise it." She found nude pictures on the phone, unique Facebook messages. For a child Basam was supposed to be too young. "Either you are aborting or we are parting," he decided.
"I'll keep the child," was Carla's answer. She has always been more assertive than her boyfriend, sometimes even more aggressive, she says. But Basam apparently knew where he could meet her: "I know your weak spot," he said goodbye.
After the birth, the situation escalated: "Give the child away," Basam demanded. His mother intervened, calling Carla a slut who was only after her son's money. "The child was born in sin, I would throw the bastard in the garbage," she railed loudly Carla.
Carla was appalled - she had not even given the name of her biological father to the authorities and, according to his own words, did not want a penny from him. She packed her things and moved to another city. But Basam found her.
"I stood in the pram with a friend and my son at the traffic lights and suddenly he appeared next to us and pushed the stroller out onto the street I was totally shocked He wanted to kill our son Luckily, nothing happened to the kid, but a taxi driver watched the whole thing and later described the man to the police, it was definitely my ex-boyfriend. "
An appreciation that she does not share
Carla was in a panic, wanted to move again. One night, a friendly neighbor, whom ex-boyfriend discovered on the street, said with a pistol in his hand. The girlfriend alerted the police. When she arrived on the scene, Basam had already gotten away, Carla says. Later, one found only the car, but no further clues. She should go to a women's shelter, the police recommended. After some hesitation, Carla agreed. Since then, she has had many conversations, thought about the strange construct of "tradition" and an appreciation that she does not share.
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"My ex-boyfriend was in the honor of talking about what people are saying, if I had my son put up for adoption, I would have been off the hook, and my parents were breaking with me as well Contact me more and my mother is not allowed to talk to me, she is an angel on earth, she has fought and suffered so much between my dad and I. I was always the black sheep, more like a boy, rebellious and unadapted, I wanted to be free My dad hated that, we always argued, 'If you die, I'll dance on your grave,' he said at our last meeting. "
Carla's fate has a lot to do with the misogynistic culture in which she grew up. A culture in which even the strongest solidarity between mother and daughter unfolds no effect, because it is men who decide on good and evil, honor or shame. A culture that is conspiratorial and sociophobic because it fuels fear of the opinions of others, of rumors and slander.
"Religion does not really matter," says Carla. "It's about power and control over the woman." Her church has always been the nightclub, as she has stated in her application for asylum: "I want freedom and dancing." Then she smiles and says, "Today I'm dancing in the kitchen with my son."
* All names have been changed to protect the woman